Revolutionary Samurai Kenshin
by ZankokuNaTenshi3
Summary: This is what happens when you mix Kenshin's characters, Shoujo Kakumei Utena's plot, and my twisted sense of humor. Rated PG for a little language and a few icky jokes.


Disclaimer: I don't own Utena or Rurouni Kenshin. Just look what horrors would be out and about if I did!  
  
Author's note: This my first attempt at fairly decent fanfiction. (Even though "Searching for Something Lost was posted first, I wrote this first). Please note that I'm not trying to bash any particular character from either series - they're all gonna get bashed eventually.  
  
***********  
  
Revolutionary Samurai Kenshin  
  
[scene opens with the two coffins and a small boy with orange hair standing in front of them, his back to us]  
  
Narrator [vo]: Once upon a time, there was a samurai, and he was very sad, for his childhood had sucked. As he moped and moped, a traveling prince appeared.  
  
[cue the prince on a white horse. he is tall, dressed like a postal worker, and has exactly four bangs. he kneels beside the samurai, kisses him lightly on the top of the head, and comforts him]  
  
The prince wiped the tears from his eyes, and gave him a ring.  
  
[the prince slips a ring onto the samurai's finger, and stands up. The samurai looks up at him, presumably in wonder, but you can't tell because his face is all black]  
  
[as the prince rides away] Perhaps the ring was an engagement ring. I mean, the samurai looked like a girl, right? But the samurai was so impressed by the prince that he-  
  
[suddenly the samurai pulls out a sword, and begins hacking at the people that have mysteriously appeared around him. blood flies]  
  
helped overthrow the government, and killed a half a gazillion people doing so. Go fig- men are just like that.  
  
[fade out, and then back in to the title screen, bordered with swords, with spinning roses at the corner.]  
  
1 "The 'Rose' Bride"  
  
[cut to the bridge in front of Ohtori. Kaoru is standing, leaning on the rail, and watching the students as they pass]  
  
Kaoru: Oh, where is he?  
  
random girl 1: Waiting for your boyfriend?  
  
Kaoru: He said he'd be here…  
  
random girl 2: I think she dumped you  
  
rg's: [both giggle and whisper to each other behind their hands]  
  
Kaoru: [sd's, getting large fangs] QUIET YOU!!!  
  
rg's: [run away, giggling]  
  
Kaoru: [sighs] I guess I'll go to class and wait for him there… [grabs her schoolbag and runs toward the massive school]  
  
[main hall in Ohtori. students are pouring in, most in small groups, talking to each other. Kenshin enters alone, looking around. suddenly, he is cornered by the Counselor]  
  
Kenshin: [stops in his tracks, eyes widening in slight surprise] Oro?  
  
Counselor: [points at Kenshin with her riding crop] Are you really going to go another semester wearing that weird get-up?  
  
Kenshin: Eh?  
  
Counselor: You know exactly what I'm talking about! Why can't you just be like the other girls and wear a girls' uniform? [waves the crop under his nose]  
  
Kenshin: [sweatdrops] Excuse me… I'm a guy…  
  
Counselor: Oh… right… [walks off, clearly embarrassed, but trying to maintain a look of dignity]  
  
Kenshin: Oh, my, I think she's trying to make a fool of me yet again…  
  
[scene changes to the kendo room. the team is inside, practicing, while Kenshin stands in the doorway, watching]  
  
random boy 1: Why don't you join the team, Himura?  
  
Kenshin: I'm… not one who likes to fight with wooden swords  
  
random boy 2: But you'd be great! We could finally beat that other school in the competition with you around.  
  
Kenshin: But-  
  
Kaoru: UTENA! UTENA, MY LOVE! [glomps Kenshin from behind, Wakaba-style]  
  
Kenshin: Oro… [sweatdrops]  
  
[the kendo room is suddenly silent]  
  
Kenshin: [blinks] Who's Utena?  
  
Kaoru: I dunno… [gets off Kenshin, and smiles sheepishly]  
  
[she grabs Kenshin by the ponytail, and drags him out of the room and into the hall]  
  
  
  
Kaoru: [lets Kenshin go as soon as they are a little ways down the hall] Do you want to eat the wonderful lunch I made you?  
  
Kenshin: As long as it isn't shaved ice or curry….  
  
Kaoru: Okay! [drags him outside, and hands him a lunch tin] It's in there.  
  
Kenshin: Thanks! [digs in]  
  
[the scene changes suddenly to an elevator. organ music is heard in the background]  
  
Aoshi: [vo] If it cannot break out of its shell, the chick will die without being born.  
  
[Tae appears on the right side of the elevator]  
  
We are the world. The chick is our egg.  
  
[Yahiko appears on the left side of the elevator]  
  
If we don't crack the chick, the world's shell won't eat scrambled eggs.  
  
[Aoshi appears in the center]  
  
Screw the stupid speech! [slaps his forehead]  
  
Tae and Yahiko: FOR THE REVOLUTION OF THE WORLD!  
  
[scene switches to the three of them on their little tower, Yahiko sitting and writing in a book, Tae standing around picking what looks like a dead orange poodle on her head, and Aoshi standing in front of Sanosuke, twisting a lock of his long red hair around one finger. Sanosuke has his arm around Megumi's waist. Megumi has fox ears, and is grinning as she twitches them.]  
  
Aoshi: [mutters] I look like a girl…  
  
Yahiko: [clicks the stopwatch] It took you… 5.32 seconds to realize that  
  
Aoshi: Shut up  
  
Sanosuke: Uh… guys… the meeting?  
  
Aoshi: Oh, yes. [clears his throat] Sanosuke, your treatment of your bride worries us…  
  
Megumi: I don't really mind…  
  
Sanosuke: [slaps her] Shut up  
  
Megumi: [grins at Sano and slaps him back]  
  
Aoshi: Your engagement to her does not mean that you may treat her as you please.  
  
Sanosuke: [pouts] Awww…  
  
Yahiko: [clicks the stopwatch] As he pleases  
  
Tae: As he pleases…  
  
Megumi: My, aren't we repetitive  
  
Yahiko: [click] Repetitive  
  
Tae: Repetitive  
  
Aoshi: STOP IT!!!  
  
Sanosuke: Well, if you don't want me screwing around with her, then duel me for possession of her. [walks out with Megumi]  
  
Aoshi: Don't forget that End of the World has told us there is to be a new duelist. Be ready for her, Sanosuke.  
  
Yahiko and Tae: Be ready for her, Sanosuke.  
  
Aoshi: STOP IT!  
  
[scene changes to a crowd of boys around a note that's tacked on the bulletin board]  
  
random boy: Okay, let's see here… [examines the note] "and so I dance with you in my dreams, dear Sanosuke…" [breaks down in hysterics]  
  
Kenshin: That's very low of you, it is! [he draws his sakabatou, and begins thrashing the lot of them]  
  
Kaoru: [begins to cry]  
  
Kenshin: [sheathes his sword, and steps across the unconscious boys that now litter the floor] Kaoru…?  
  
Kaoru: [wipes her eyes and runs]  
  
[cut to a scene of a random tree on the campus grounds. Kaoru runs up to it and falls to her knees at the foot of it, crying]  
  
Kenshin: [kneels beside her] I'm sorry…  
  
Kaoru: I'll never forgive him! How could he possibly be so cruel?  
  
Kenshin: I was expecting that sort of reaction… it's all right [pats her shoulder]  
  
Kaoru: [looks up at Kenshin, eyes wide] YOU wrote that!?  
  
Kenshin: [nervously] I… have to go have a little talk with him… [runs]  
  
  
  
[fade out, and fade in, to the kendo room. Sanosuke is swinging the zanbatou around, while Megumi grins at him, twitching her fox ears. Kenshin stands in the doorway]  
  
Sanosuke: I don't know… I throw a lot of letters away  
  
Kenshin: But did you have to leave it where someone can find it?  
  
Sanosuke: I thought I'd give everyone a good laugh  
  
Kenshin: [simmers with anger] I challenge you to a duel. This afternoon after school.  
  
Sanosuke: Who do you think you are? [pause] Oh, you must be that new duelist that End of the World mentioned.  
  
Kenshin: End of the World? Gosh, you Student Council people are real pessimists, that you are…  
  
Sanosuke: [sweatdrops] It's a long story… anyway, I'll meet you in the Arena Forest after school.  
  
Kenshin: [nods]  
  
[fade out, and fade in to the shadowplay girls' wall. "Inhabitants of the planet Kashira" plays in the background]  
  
Ayame: [shadow runs on screen, chasing the shadow of a butterfly] hehe, futterby!  
  
Suzume: [shadow runs after her, also after the fluttering creature] I'm gonna catch it!  
  
both: [laugh]  
  
[Suzume grabs the butterfly, and holds it on the palm of her hand. Ayame bends over it and laughs]  
  
Ayame: futterby!  
  
[switch to a scene of Kenshin standing in front of the gate to the stairs]  
  
Kenshin: [looks around for the doorknob] Oro?  
  
[walks up to the handle thingie and grabs it]  
  
Ah, this is how to open it, it is…  
  
[he yelps as the drop of water hits his ring from the Postal-Worker Prince. the gate opens]  
  
This looks like an invitation…  
  
[Kenshin starts walking up the stairs as "Zetai Unmei Mokushiroku" plays]  
  
[the scene switches to Sanosuke and Megumi standing at the top of the arena. Megumi is wearing Anthy's Rose Bride dress. After several seconds, Kenshin drags himself up the final stairs, panting]  
  
Kenshin: That's a damn lotta steps, it is… [pant][pant]  
  
Sanosuke and Megumi: [sweatdrop]  
  
Megumi: [gives Sanosuke and Kenshin their roses]  
  
Kenshin: [recovers after several minutes] I challenge you, Sanosuke, that I do! [draws his sakabatou]  
  
Megumi: Rose of the noble castle…  
  
Kenshin: Oro?  
  
Megumi: Power of Saitou that sleeps within me… heed your master and come forth! [leans back]  
  
Sanosuke: [does not catch her, and simply watches as she falls flat on her back]  
  
Megumi: [gives a soft whimper upon hitting the floor, a sword hilt appearing in the center of her chest]  
  
Sanosuke: [puts his foot against Megumi's shoulder and yanks the sword out] Grant me the power… yada, yada, yada…. [points the sword at Kenshin] Okay, tough girl, now I kick your butt…  
  
Kenshin: Erm… I'm a guy…. [sweatdrops]  
  
Sanosuke: What I'd like to know is why you have a rose seal  
  
Kenshin: Eh?  
  
Sanosuke: [holds up his hand in front of his face, his rose seal, which looks too big for his finger, sparkling] One of these  
  
Kenshin: [smiles warmly] Oh, you must know my old mailman!  
  
Sanosuke: [blinks, confused, then yells and charges at Kenshin]  
  
Kenshin: [calmly swipes at Sanosuke's rose with his sakabatou, and dodges Sano's attack]  
  
Sanosuke: [turns, his rose still intact] Your sakabatou is not good enough!  
  
Kenshin: [shwacks away at Sanosuke's rose, which is remains on his chest]  
  
Sanosuke: You challenge the Sword of Saitou with a useless metal reverse- blade sword? [laughs]  
  
Kenshin: [thinks to himself] What's that Megumi girl doing with Saitou's sword? And in her chest of all places… [shakes his head][again to himself] mind out of the gutter…  
  
Sanosuke: If you'd like, I can cut your rose off with a single stroke. After all, you did have the courage to try to steal my bitch…  
  
Kenshin: NEVER! [charges at Sanosuke, eyes turning yellow]  
  
Sanosuke: [runs at him, yelling]  
  
Kenshin: [turns his sword over, and skewers Sanosuke's rose]  
  
[scene changes to an overhead view of the whole arena]  
  
Sanosuke: I… I lost!?  
  
Kenshin: Whohoo! [runs around the perimeter of the arena, happy-dancing]  
  
Megumi: Nice try, you dumbass loser… [kicks Sano, and walks over to Kenshin, eyes filling the general area around her with shoujo sparkles] I like men who are skilled with swords… [does The Megumi Laugh] Ohohohoho!  
  
Kenshin: Okay, what now?  
  
Megumi: [kneels at Kenshin's feet, and looks up to make moon-eyes at him] I'm yours now, since you're the duelist champion.  
  
Kenshin: … That's sorta special, it is.  
  
[close up of Kenshin and Megumi]  
  
Megumi: [shrugs] I guess…  
  
Kenshin: [puts his arm around his shoulder and leads Kaoru down the steps]  
  
Sanosuke: [mopes in the background]  
  
[scene switches to Kenshin walking down the street, the moon (full, of course) shining in the night sky]  
  
Kenshin: Today has been a really weird day, it has…  
  
Megumi: [jumps out from behind a dumpster] Stick 'em up, pal!  
  
Kenshin: [screams, and falls backwards]  
  
Megumi: [walks over and offers him a hand] [laughs] Sorry. But you have to admit that look on your face was priceless. [Megumi Laugh (tm!)]  
  
Kenshin: [takes her hand and stands, sweatdropping] It's all right.  
  
Megumi: Well, like I said, I'm the Rose Bride, and junk like that. I'm yours now. Now take me home, Kenshin-kun!  
  
Kenshin: [picks her up] Okay [walks away]  
  
**end**  
  
*************  
  
There you have it folks. I started that one day during some class after a quiz, and my random insanity took over from there. And yes, I do think Saitou looks like a mailman in that blue outfit of his. 


End file.
